Should I shut up or go?

If you think your relationship is being stranded, it is time to act. Decide now; Are you going to go silently or struggle?

Article: Elif Girgin


Problems = Opportunities
“If the relationship is alive, there will be conflict. The fact that conflicts can be carried out ‘adult adults’ while the solution is together keeps the relationship alive. Often problems in relationships are opportunities. The important thing is for people to accept this problem and opportunity. And yes, often women speak. Men avoid. However, we talked to Expert Psychologist Burçin Demirkan Baytar, who says, “Why do women talk, why men are silent” and how problems can be turned into an opportunity, for a healthy relationship.

Most importantly, talking
“Sometimes being together does not mean that you have a satisfied and happy relationship. Since one of the couples is afraid to break the other, he can “silence” and suppress his needs and wants. If there is a problem and this is not spoken; one or both couples may not be struggling to have a happy and satisfied relationship. In such cases, the quality of the relationship also decreases. “If you do not feel happy, if you are not satisfied with your relationship and there is no solution in the long run, your relationship may be lost from your hand,” said Baytar. Money sharing, emotional needs, sharing of household chores, sharing of time, attitude of raising children… We will either talk and solve them or we will be like two strangers even if we are in the same house! ” “If there is conflict, you are struggling to change your unhappy situations and for a more satiated relationship.” But your conflict resolution method is very important for the quality of your relationship. Improving your communication skills and catching positive environments at the end of the conflict increases the quality of your relationship. Even if you don’t always agree at the end, you can say “I think so, I think so” is a progress for the relationship. You will clearly demonstrate your wishes and needs. This is the healthy one. ”

Love needs effort!
What did he say in the last scene of ‘Selvi Boylum Al Yazmalım’ which was memorized? N What was love? Love was kindness, friendship, love was labor ‘Yes, love was labor and love really wants labor. Relations take root in labor. However, there has to be a balance of labor. If there is a discomfort, it is very important to talk. Consensus may not occur at the end of each conversation. This is also normal. The important thing is to meet at a common point. This ensures that thoughts and feelings are exposed. So the relationship gets a gain. Of course, the purpose and form of speech does not affect the result. However, if you do not speak, burnout may occur in the relationship because you do not know the answers.

Observe first!
“Perceptions of women and men can be different. We should start by observing how the other person perceives the situations and emotions. If there is a problem talking is the most normal. The constant silence of one side can be devastating in the relationship. Sharing our happiness when we are happy adds value to the relationship. Likewise, when we are unhappy, we have to share it, ”says Burçin Demirkan Baytar.

Silence is consuming the relationship!
‘Awareness’ is important in relationships. Because ‘awareness’ is initiating change. Trying makes change happen. To remain silent and to stay at peace by ‘self-sacrificing’ can sow the seeds of new conflicts. This situation may cause anger bursts and violent fights in the future. In this process, the couple who are silent in order not to break each other at the same time starts to become alienated from the relationship and the relationship can turn into a forced partnership. Thus, silence exhausts the relationship or couples experience silence because the relationship is already exhausted.

You are not happy, are you sure you are not unhappy?
Being unhappy doesn’t mean being happy! If you try to ignore what the discomfort makes you think, your emotions will be disrupted. This is actually a situation that exhausts the relationship! Explaining that conflicts in the relationship can contribute to the solution, Baytar said, “If you keep quiet in order not to be unhappy, you try to ignore your thoughts and feelings. If you think differently, you should express this appropriately. ” says.

There is a conflict if there is a relationship
Baytar said, “Different perceptions about cultural differences, habits and communication language can fuel the conflict. However, the important thing is that the conflict is not destructive and the way you resolve the conflict. Being open and determined and being sharp is another thing, being hurtful and destructive is another … Flexibility in the relationship is a valuable social skill to reach a solution. But sometimes a woman’s silence and ignoring her own will mean harm to herself and relationship. In some cases, men wait and wait for the woman to calm down. And at that moment, the woman becomes more angry and talks more because she cannot explain to the man. In such cases, it is very important that both parties know each other well. ”

Be determined and controlled
A process that nourishes and improves each other if the relationship is healthy. When the problem arises, if you can own your own life without exceeding the limits of respect and blaming the other person, you will actually own your relationship. Thus, you can also improve the ability of yourself and your relationship to produce solutions. In this case, the problem turns into an opportunity. Seeing opportunities is also about your inner strength and your message to the environment. At this point, it is extremely important to be controlled, to display a determined, sharp and loving attitude.

Why is the woman silent?
“Silence can be based on many different reasons. Ending the relationship is one of them. If you experience ‘learned helplessness’, you will be silent. So, you try to create a solution, but your hand is always empty. You hit an invisible wall. You think there is no way out. However, there is a solution. And the answers are actually yours. Maybe the method you used is wrong. You must know that you have a cure to try again. Otherwise, you will either end the relationship or continue to experience an unhappy and incomplete relationship by keeping quiet and thinking that you have to endure. It is very important to get professional help when you cannot solve the problems in your relationship with the methods you know. Because when you start ignoring your feelings and thoughts, you start ignoring your own being. You try to put up with it, or perhaps there is something that still nourishes you in that relationship. So maybe you’re not ready to give up that feeling that nourishes you. Sometimes the person you are with has ceased to be your partner or lover. It is now someone else for you. For this reason, you can keep holding on to the relationship and keep quiet. However, the relationship you continue from this point of view is not a couple’s relationship any more. ”Baytar says that the problems are an opportunity to rearrange your life and listen to your own wishes.

When should I shut up?
• If your anger is ahead of your logic, it is better to speak after calming down a bit.

• If one side is angry, the other should try to remain calm and listen.

• It should be stated that it is listened with body language. Mocking, angry, judgmental, non-degrading mimics should be exhibited. “I understand you. I don’t think like you. But as I think we can find a common solution, ”answers should be included in the process.

• Even if you want to talk, it may not be ready yet. If your partner is interested in something else, it may not be the right time to talk. Wait for the right time.

• When the other party threatens, the threat should not be answered. It is more appropriate to remain silent if it cannot be spoken constructively and the conversation turns into a show of strength.

Woman takes the first step
Many women are more successful than men in expressing their feelings. The woman, who loves the man she is with and who does not give up her own existence, speaks, tries and looks for a solution to save her relationship. Women who usually take the first step in getting professional help are women. So, what’s the situation on the men’s front? What do men think about women who talk, clash, and “screw”? Expert Psychologist Burçin Demirkan Baytar, stating that men are not successful in expressing their emotions (although it is difficult to generalize), they experience an explosion of anger and try to suppress the issue with power; He says that the man who has the opportunity to express his feelings in a calm and suitable environment feels good and this situation nurtures the relationship.


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